Penultimate Thoughts
When my next birthday anniversary rolls around I’ll be 80 years old. I laughed when Tim Conway portrayed on TV an 80 year old man who mustered all his strength to blow out his candles and then, exhausted, collapsed face first into his birthday cake. I don’t feel quite that old yet, but I am experiencing some diminishment physically and mentally, as you may have noticed.
The United States is now 230 years old and I calculated the other day that I’ve been around for more than 1/3 of the history of this country and I’ve survived 13 of the 43 presidents beginning with Calvin Coolidge. That’s a lot of history and a lot of personal experience. My father lived to be 86 and my mother reached 96, so my plan is to stay around a few more years. Our plans, of course, are always written with pencil and eraser. In the meantime, I don’t mind at all being called a “senior citizen”, especially if it means a discount, which I gladly accept without shame. And by the way, the free soup from Judson kitchen is delicious.
Emerson said that the happiness of old age consists in transforming the Furies into Muses, the passions into meditations, and that the autumn of life is the season for reconciling oneself to things as they really are. Emerson was a wise man. My life, as yours, has not turned out exactly as fantasized in my springtime; there have been for me many surprising satisfactions that I was not wise enough to anticipate as a callow youth. When I was 17 I didn’t know how happy I would be someday to be holding in my arms a new grandchild. Most of these surprising satisfactions have been related to my love for my family and my friends. I am not happy about the world we are leaving for future generations but personally I am at peace. Today my past is known and long and my future, like yours, is unknown and might be short, but I am grateful to God for the many years I have been given and for the people I have known and loved. They say God gives us memories so we can have roses in winter. In the still of the night my memories are dreams and my dreams are memories.
Long before Brokaw labeled his parents’ generation the greatest, I realized that my character and values were formed initially as I grew up in a loving family in a parsonage in the depression and became an adult in the army at the end of World War II. Is there anything of value out of my experience that I can pass on to you today? I can tell you that Harvey McKay says you can relieve a lot of stress in your life if you just accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.
I have one main serious point this morning. It’s a generalization, one of my convictions after nearly 80 years. This is it. What shapes our life most is not what happens to us, but rather, how we respond. Often we cannot control outside forces but we can always control our reaction, and we can do that in a wise, mature, responsible manner. My Biblical foundation for this point is Corinthians 10:13, from the New English Bible, where St. Paul states, So far you have found no trial beyond what you can bear. God keeps faith and will not allow you to be tested beyond your powers. For the atheists, I have a quote from Friedrich Nietzsche, That which does not kill me, makes me stronger.
Now, life is not just a matter of re-acting. We do have a freewill which we can use positively and pro-actively to shape the events of our lives, but sometimes outside forces control and then our response is critical. All generalizations should be viewed with some skepticism, including this one. Life is often not fair, and I am not criticizing anyone who is absolutely overwhelmed by a horrendous tragedy. But setbacks don’t define our goals, we do. Tribulation makes us realize who we are. The ability to come to terms with a new reality, painful as it might be, is what distinguishes those who survive and grow through adversity from those who are destroyed by it.
Actually, the principle that it’s our response that counts most applies to good fortune as well as bad. Bill Gates and Warren Buffet have responded positively to their good fortune by generously sharing their wealth and abilities, but Ken Lay, a Baptist preacher’s son, responded to his good fortune by stealing the pensions of his employees and the life-savings of his stockholders. He didn’t learn that in Sunday school.
Thinking of responding positively to adversity, I’m reminded of FDR and Jimmy Carter. Roosevelt’s reaction to paralyzing polio showed his incredible physical and emotional courage, and Jimmy Carter, the loser, who by his own admission suffered a humiliating defeat in 1980, dedicated his life to worthy causes and became Jimmy Carter, the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.
Recently the Star-Tribune had an article on George Buckley, a poor and sickly child actually given away by his dysfunctional parents. With a severe limp, chronic bronchitis and anemia, George was forced to drop out of school at age 15 to work in a factory to support himself. But he didn’t just accept that reality of the moment. He said he realized that in life you have two choices; you can be a victor or a victim. He chose to be a victor and convinced his employer to pay for his night school, earning degrees first from a community college, then a university, and finally a doctorate in electrical engineering. Today George Buckley is the new CEO of 3M in St. Paul.
On Fathers Day last June four black men in Minneapolis recalled the absence, neglect and abuse by their own fathers when they were children. One wrote to his no-show dad saying, “If you ever decide to appear I’m open to hanging out with you.” That’s a mature attempt at reconciliation, a positive response. None of these four men repeated their own father’s lack of responsibility and all four were inspired instead to a deep involvement with their own kids.
Two years ago here in Minnesota a teen-age girl who had been drinking lost control of her car and crashed into a young couple, killing the husband. Instead of denying her guilt or brushing it off as an accident, or repeating the crime as some do, she was filled with remorse and wanted to apologize to the widow. For over a year she couldn’t work up the courage but finally she made the phone call. In a very tense meeting, the widow was touched by the girl’s sincerity. Now the two are going around to high schools talking to students about safe driving and saving lives. That’s turning a tragedy into something positive.
Finally, two illustrations from my own family. I had two sisters, Miriam and Margaret, or Peggy as we called her. They shared a sad experience. They each had a daughter-in-law who committed suicide leaving behind small children. Peggy and her husband Stan were elderly and in poor health at the time, but God gave them the strength and wisdom to respond bravely and helpfully to their son Richard and his two small boys. Now Peggy and Stan are together forever in eternity and we know they did their best in the winter of their lives to support their loved ones in a terrible tragedy.
Miriam’s husband Jim died at age 38 in 1962 leaving her with two children. She went back to work as a psychiatric nurse at Hines Veteran Hospital in suburban Chicago. Years later when her daughter-in-law killed herself, Miriam again did not fall apart. She gave up her home and her job and went to Arkansas to live with and care for her son Steve and his three small sons until the boys grew up. Miriam is now 84 years old and living in quiet retirement in Rockford, IL, our family hometown. Miriam knows in her heart that her loving sacrifice, not once but twice, was the right thing to do. She did it gladly but not without cost to herself, a price she knew was worth paying.
Rabbi Kushner, in a new book, says, The question is not, can I get through life without some failures and disappointments. Because I can’t. The real question is, how will I respond to these disappointments? With bitterness, envy and self-doubt, or with wisdom and resilience.
The Bible says, God keeps faith and will not allow you to be tested beyond your powers.
Throughout our pilgrimage, in sunshine and shadow, what shapes our life most is not what happens to us, but how we respond.